Shards of Blue and Yellow

[Another Creative Writing Story, not perfectly edited]

The bottle shattered as glass met plaster. He screamed, the sound ricocheting off the low sloped ceiling. I crouched in the corner, heart beating three times its regular rate, completely terrified. I’d never seen such raw emotion in my nine years on this earth. I covered my ears with both hands, clenching my teeth, trying to shut out the ugly sound as best I could. Still the profanities pierced through my defenses. I was trembling in fear. A lamp exploded three feet to my right as he chucked the cordless phone across the room. I launched myself sideways to dodge the bullets of blue and yellow ceramic flowers. Then it stopped. As the last shard of the lamp fell to the ground, the room became silent. It was overwhelmingly still after the destruction it had just seen. The room was still. Nothing moved. It was almost as if it was holding its breath. I, sitting amongst the rubble, held my breath as well. Looking up from my crouch I glanced around the room. It was in shambles. In the middle, against the couch, lay the crumpled form of my father. His body was shaking, yet I could hear no sound. I inched closer, afraid of a sudden outburst. The closer I got the better I could hear him.  Faintly at first, then slowly growing in volume; my father was crying. Something I’d never seen him do before. He wasn’t just teary-eyed, he was full out sobbing into the cushions. Each sob tore through his body as he choked for breath. I didn’t know what to do. So I sat down silently in the leather arm chair, staring at the torn paper clutched in his hands.

            If you knew me two months earlier, you would never recognize me now. I used to be an innocent little nine year old. I was living the glory days, or that’s how I saw them anyways. I watched cartoons in the morning with my dad, headed off to school, and then returned home to snacks with mom. Everything was wonderful. I had not a care in the world past what bedtime story I would read. Then, sometime around February, my mom started to leave home a lot more. I’d come home to a babysitter and a sticky note on the fridge saying “I owe you cookies”. I stopped waiting for the cookies long before the notes stopped. Her absence became a normal part of life, I got used to it. I was told she had extra work at the office. Occasionally I’d hear a fight or two between my mom and dad, but I didn’t think much of it. Until they caught me watching, then it became hushed whispers, often behind closed doors. I didn’t know what it was all about.

I learned I had to grow up, and grow up fast. I had to fade into the background, and learn to listen. I soon found out that my mom had a new friend. This guy named Carl. He sometimes came over when my dad was at work. I quickly learned my dad did not like Carl. He came home one day and saw them; then pretty much threw Carl out the door. I didn’t see much of Carl after that. Mom and dad stopped talking, I was silent, the house echoed with the quiet. I thought things might get better. There were no more fights, there was no more Carl, and I got cookies again. I thought we might get back to normal. That was, until my dad opened the mail today and I caught a glimpse of the one word that’d thrown him over the edge. Divorce.

Comfortably Numb

[This is an overly dramatized piece of fiction based on an event in my life, written for my creative writing class. The characters in no way represent me or anyone in my family though. I am not suicidal. I promise]

I don’t like him much. He’s staring at me. Can’t people get a little privacy around here? It’s not like I chose to share my grief with the whole world. They are making me sit out here. Sorry if my tears are ruining your perfect day. I can’t control them. Yeah, that’s right, look away. It should be unnerving watching a stranger cry. Took you long enough to figure that out. I hope the rest of your day sucks because mine will. I was having a great day, I bet you were too. Now it’s been ruined, all because…

“Are you ready to go honey? Its time.”

Oh no, here comes the waterfall. Open up the floodgates. Call in the coast guard. Someone’s about to drown in tears. Mom, grab the lifeboats. You’re going to need them.

“Down the hall to the end. Room three, on your right.”

It’s a journey into the deepest, darkest part of the ocean now. I’m no longer drowning. I am fully submerged. I am soaked. I am the water. It seems to be all I’m made of. The tears just don’t stop. Yeah avoid my eyes doctor. Don’t take responsibility for what you’re doing to me. I get it.

“I’m really sorry…it’s the best thing to do, really.”

Yeah right. You’re really sorry? You do this all the time. You have to be immune to the grief. You know…this is the third one, the second that we’ve brought to you. You and I aren’t exactly on good terms right now. So I don’t feel your sympathy. It’s falling on deaf ears.

“Say your goodbyes. Then we will bring her out to you.”

Goodbye? How do you say goodbye to a best friend, a loyal companion, a family member. How can I tell her everything is going to be all right when you’re about to MURDER her. She doesn’t understand what’s happening. Look at those eyes.  She’s terrified of this place. She won’t be able to die happy because she’s scared. Regardless, you don’t care, you just tell me it’s time to say goodbye. The decision has already been made. Goodbye my love. I hope you forgive us. No longer in pain you’ll be able to join Prince Caspian in cat heaven, go chase mice to your heart’s content. Oh I can’t handle it. I need to get away.

“I know its hard honey. But think about how happy she’ll be.”

I won’t know! She won’t know! She won’t FEEL! She’s dead. She’s gone. I was mean to her. I yelled at her for her constant meowing. And all this time she was trying to tell us how she felt. You may as well kill me with her. End both of our suffering. Since you keep saying it’s the “humane” thing to do, to end ones suffering.

“Here’s her collar. Keep it like your brother kept Caspian’s.”

Yes, so I can look at it EVERY day. I can then remember what I did to her. So I can cry myself to sleep when I see it before I go to bed. Okay, give it to me. One day I might be able to laugh, to remember the good times. But I have a feeling that’s far from now. I feel like there’s a hole in my heart and my tear ducts are broken. One would think you’d be out of tears by now. I feel empty…but they still fall.

“Would you like to pick the tree to plant over her?”

Would I like to? Yes. Can I? I don’t know. I can hardly see to walk. How will I pick a tree? I don’t even think you have a tree worthy of her burial mom. All these little saplings, representing life, as she lay dead beneath them. Don’t you get the irony of that? Am I the only one who sees it? You people are so insensitive, so calculated in your actions. Am I the only one who cares? Goodnight world. I cannot talk to anyone else.

“I understand what you are going through; do you need an extension on the paper?”

You understand? Then tell me YOUR sob story. Tell me exactly how it is you understand. I slept on it (barely), came to school, and I feel even worse now. An extension? Why. So I can sit and wallow in self pity for that much longer. So I have nothing that will distract me from the thoughts of her that plague my mind. No thank you, I don’t need your pity extension. I can get through this myself, as strong as I ever was.

“Do you need a hug? Is there anything I can do?”

Yes, I will take a hug. Because you’re my friend and you think you’re offering it out of kindness. But really, it’s only going to make YOU feel better. It makes you feel like you’ve done something to help. But really, what can you do. Nothing. You can’t bring her back; you couldn’t cure her of her cancer. You can’t fix the hole that now resides in my heart. I wish you could. But no, there is nothing for you to do. Once again, I’m all alone. I’m going to curl up in bed. Alone.

“Honey, are you awake?”

No, go away. I will lay here and pretend to sleep. Just so you leave me alone. Did you know she used to come in here? Every morning at 7am, without fail. She’d curl up with me in bed before I went to school. Now I’m left alone. I don’t have my snuggle buddy any longer. It will never be the same. She was here yesterday. In this exact spot. Warm, breathing, alive. We had no idea. Oh Black Beauty, I miss you. And I’m sorry. Amazing how in a span of less than 24 hours everything can change so drastically.

“Want to go to the movies? You need to do something.”

No I don’t want to go to the movies. But I will. It’s been a week. I haven’t seen my friends. I haven’t done anything social. Yeah I will come. No I will not enjoy myself. I will not laugh. I won’t even talk. It would have been better if you’d just left me to sulk in my room. I’m a killjoy in public. I was doing perfectly fine alone. I was happy. In a different sense of the word.

“Please talk to me. We’re here to help. Your parents are worried”

Hello doctor. My cat was murdered. I was an accessory to the crime. I don’t deserve to live. The end. Don’t make me step on that scale. We both know we won’t like what we see. I know I’m wasting away. I don’t care. I let Black Beauty waste away. Why should I be kept from understanding what she had to suffer through? Don’t even try to prescribe that medicine I see in your hands either. I need no sleeping pills. She got no pain killers. I will remove my option to avoid the pain for she had no such option. Besides, I’m beginning to enjoy the night. So much becomes clear when the world falls completely still.

“Honey, it’s not healthy! You can’t ignore everyone forever! We love you!”

Stop crying mom. You don’t care about what I’m feeling. You only care about my physical being. You can’t bear to lose me. You’re trying to prevent it. I couldn’t bear to lose Beauty, yet I couldn’t prevent it. I still don’t know why I’m alive. There’s nothing here I deserve.

“She’s coming around! Quick, get the nurse!”

Why are you yelling so loudly? Why am I in the hospital? Why didn’t you let death take me? He was right there. Grinning with those glowing evil eyes of his. I was attracted to it. I wanted to go. He was beautiful, he was an escape. I should have taken the final bottle of pills; I thought two would be enough. But you’re too fast mom. Too quick to keep yourself happy. You put yourself first. I would have been happy if you’d let me go. But you would have been sad. Now you will be happy and I’m back where I was. Unhappy. And alone.

“I’m Dr. Carol. We can work through this together, I promise.”

Oh boy. You’re not too good at this ma’am. If someone is at the point where they need a shrink, then they aren’t okay with trusting anyone, especially not strangers. So don’t make empty promises. I know you say that phrase to everyone. It’s been programmed into you. I know my story doesn’t really resonate in your heart. You went to school to learn how to sympathize with anyone who walks into your office. Coming here is useless. I’m useless. See, now I’m wasting my parents’ money. I’m a waste of space in this world. And you can’t help that, unless you let me go.

“Look honey, her name is Buttercup!”

Are you serious right now mom? You really went out and got me a kitten? And what were you thinking with that name! You can’t replace Black Beauty. Did you know I used to say “What’s up Buttercup” when she meowed at me. No? Well you should have been paying more attention I guess. Now I have another daily reminder, as if the collar wasn’t enough. There’s a new innocent kitten. An intrusion in my solitude. But I can’t blame her. Only myself, for not being able to accept her…I should really try harder for her sake.

“We are all happy to see you smile today!”

Yes Dr. Carol, I thought you’d say that. The path of least resistance, right? You’ll leave me alone if I smile, talk, make you think you’re doing your job. That’s what you want. So that’s what you will get. For now. Nothing like creating a semblance of peace. May as well make you happy. Then my parents will feel better too.

“I’m happy you came shopping with me today honey!”

Yes mother, I know you are. Why do you think I’m here? Like clothing can really make me feel better. Oh lets go get some new shoes, maybe some pretzel bites, yay! Not. Its more materialistic things. I get no joy out of it. Buy me what you want but you can’t buy me happiness.

“You coming out bowling with us, that makes me really happy”

I’m getting sick of that word. My shrink, my parents, now my friends. You’re all smothering me in your happiness. Like you think I will absorb some of it if it oozes off of you excessively. Well it’s not working. I don’t know if I can keep up this charade of happiness anymore when it’s the only thing you guys can focus on. You never give me a break from it. I thought it would work if you’d just let me pretend I was happy. But it’s not working for me anymore. I’m done with this. I can’t take it. I will never be myself again and you can’t fix that. Thanks for the effort. I do love you. But…

I HAVE BECOME COMFORTABLY NUMB

            I found this journal, this recording of her thoughts, three days after she died. We were cleaning her room when I discovered it. It was in the false bottom of her bookshelf. The one that only I knew about. I can’t help but think she left it there so I could find it. I am the one who found her too. She hung herself. It’s been two and a half months. I still can’t get the image of her cold lifeless body swinging from that rope. It’s etched in my mind. Her baby blue eyes now empty forever of the life and laughter they’d already been void of for the past few months. I try to look back, see what we missed. Many say we should have been more cautious after the first attempt. But she went to the psychiatrist. She was smiling. She was even letting Buttercup sleep in her bed.

I rake through my mind day after day. My thoughts are accompanied by that gruesome picture I’ve been left with of her. Maybe if we’d just asked, asked her to talk about it. Let her grieve, let her be angry. Maybe if more time had been spent on her feelings and less on making sure she was happy every minute of every day. Maybe then it could have been prevented. But some say, with suicide, it’s a fifty/fifty chance. Either they have completely set their mind on it, or they want you to stop them. Knowing my sister, it was the first. When she used to get her mind set on something she’d stick with it. The first failed attempt wouldn’t have meant anything to her. It was merely a hurdle that she could easily clear. And based on these journal entries, she had quickly devised a new plan without hesitation. I just wish there had been some way to convince her that she didn’t have to stick with her plan for once; some way to reassure her that we did care. We cared more than just on the surface like she thought.

I feel like I miss her more and more from one day to the next. The smallest things in life remind me of her. Walking past the old barn near our house reminds me of childhood games we played in it. Hide and seek, cowboys and robbers, duck duck goose, just to name a few. Entering Starbucks I see us sitting where we sat every day after school, for an entire semester, as she tutored me in math so I could pass my class. Watching the kid’s lace up at the ice rink, I envision the first time she brought me to skate. I fell down so many times I was a walking bruise. I whined and complained. But she always helped me up and we started again despite my complaints. I wake up for a midnight snack and sit alone at the counter these days, an empty stool besides me as I drink my hot chocolate in silence. I miss the heart to hearts we had. She was the best big sister anyone could ask for.

Time heals all wounds they say. But I know there will always be times that I search for her to tell her my latest big news. There will be the momentous events in my life where I will want her at my side. My children will never know their aunt, and they will never have cousins. A stocking will always hang empty at Christmas, a place setting never filled. The grief will follow me every day. But I am hoping that the day I can finally laugh at a memory of her, will come soon. I’m hoping, one day, the picture I see of her will be full of life, smiles, and love.

Easy

Easy is a relative term.
Easy is how I like my eggs. Over easy.
Easy is what I think of when i think of Staples. That was easy.
Easy is how I think of 2nd grade math homework.
Easy is not how I think of losing a friend.
It is not the first word to come to mind when a relationship is crumbling.
Easy soon after becomes hard. Very hard.
It becomes an evil word.
Wouldn't it "just be easier". NO i want to scream.
No it wont be easier.
It may be less stressful. It may make things 'go away'
It may be "easier" in the short term. But in the long term it becomes hard.
How dare you ask me if I want the easy way out.
I'm not a wimp, I'm stronger then that. I can handle it.
You can handle it.
We will fix this.
We will stand strong.
United we stand, divided we fall.

I Am You

I wasnt in a depressed mood...but im trying to write out my nightmare. And every time i come away from that, i write something like this. im okay i promise.

            Kill me now.

The words echo through my head as if on a repeat track.

            Kill me. Do it now.

I don’t know where they come from. They invade. I can’t escape.

            Just do it. What are you waiting for?

I look down at the knife clutched in my hand. Unsure of how it got there.

            Clocks-a-tickin. You’re wasting time.

I glance at the clock. Its almost 9. I forget why that’s significant.

            They’re going to find you. Holding the knife.

So what? Maybe I want them to. Maybe that’s what I’m waiting for.

            No you aren’t. You don’t want them to take you back.

I don’t. They can never take me back.

            Don’t over think it. You want this. You want to escape.

I think we’re past that. I’m talking to a voice in my head. I’m over thinking.

            You’re just hearing the truth. You are hearing what you want.

Are you? Am I? What exactly am I doing with this knife?

            JUST DO IT. Before anyone can stop you.

I can’t. I can’t do it. I’m not ready. I don’t want this.

            Yes you are. Think of the relief. You’re waiting for it.

SHUT UP! I don’t need relief. I’m happy. I love my life.

            Oh yeah, happy, says the girl with tears welling up in her eyes.

They aren’t tears of sadness. It’s frustration. Can you just go away!

            I can’t go away…unless you go away. I am you.

Brian Part 1

Took Tinas friend Brian out for a photo-shoot at Brooksvale Park.The colors were gorgeous, and despite him saying he couldn't pose, we got some great shots. I'm so close to being done editing but I need to sleep. Hence the part 1. Enjoy!

i love this one

and this one

and this one!

Tina in Leaves

These are my extra pictures from the other day with Tina. Too many for comments, too many to spam. i figure you can all just look at them here. And if you dont know what im talking about. go check out my Flickr.

October 25th

He’s coming. I know He’s coming. He knows I know He’s coming. I can feel it. The air is cold. He’s sent his frost demons ahead of Him. They freeze the warmth, the cheer, any happiness in the air. They prepare the way. They let you know He is coming. He knows that. That’s why He sends them. He has a flair for theatricality. He wants you to be shivering. Not everyone is always afraid. So this way He is sure you shiver. It makes Him feel like you are trembling for Him, because of fear of Him. But I’m prepared. I know about the frost demons. I’ve met them before. I was younger then. I was scared.  But I got away. Before He could show up. Now it was time. I was ready. I wasn’t going to fight Him. I wasn’t going to be scared. I sit in my chair. My big comfy leather arm chair. I’m waiting. He’s coming. He’s almost here. It’s time. I begin to smile. I laugh. He won’t take me scared. I won’t be mournful. No. I was willing and happy. He’s here. I greet him joyfully. I close my eyes. I let Death take me back home with his frost demons. 

Time is of the Essence

Creative writing free write for class.
Prompt: Write about someone with a pathetic life.

I'm walking. Walking to work. Know why? Because I don't have a car. But that doesn't really matter, I haven't had a car in over a year. I usually ride my bike to work. My colleagues praise me for it. Say I'm so awesome for "going green". Truth is...I'm not green. If I could I'd buy one of those awesome gas guzzling trucks to strut my stuff in. But I just nod, accept their praises. Who wants to hear about an old sop whose car got repossessed, no one, that's who. But now I don't even have a bike. I parked it on the curb this morning, id forgotten my lunch inside. I ran back in and grabbed it off the counter. Came out and what did I see? My bike, in the iron jaws of a garbage truck. I didn't even know it was trash day. How does one forget trash day. I had a whole barrel of trash, sitting where my bike usually does in the garage. Ironic huh. But I had my lunch, no car, no bike, so i started walking. So now I'll just be a well fed guy walking to work, rather than a starving guy biking to work. That's just wonderful. Walking makes me hungry. I figure I can eat my sandwich now, save the rest of the stuff in the bag for lunch. But its soggy. Why is it soggy. The soda cap came off. great. Now I'll be the super green guy on a diet. Oh how the office will love me. I just had to go back and get that lunch didn't I. They aren't kidding when they say time is of the essence.

Just a Thought to Hold you Over

You know, when I was younger I had a pretty skewed view of some things in this world. Like how much money was worth, how “hard” my school work was, but I also viewed relationships differently. Can you believe that I always thought it was the girl who was hurt after a break up. I never really thought about how the guy was feeling. In movies and books it always showed the girl running home, eating a tub of ice cream, and crying to all her friends. Guys were tough, guys didn’t care, they had other girls lined up. Well i’ve learned how wrong I was. I’ve met so many sensitive guys. In befriending these guys I now see their side, rather than only the girls side. I see their sadness after a breakup. Sure they might not be so forthright with their sadness, and many prefer to hide within themselves and not talk to anyone, but the pain is evident. Did you know seeing a guy sad is one of the saddest things i’ve seen. I think its because we’ve become so oversensitized to the sight of a girl crying, but since guys hide it, it strikes a chord in your heart that isn’t often struck. So in learning this one day I also learned that maybe I had to rethink some things, and you’d never believe how much bigger the world is when your mind is open to all the possibilities.

ps. new creative writing stories should be coming up

Welcome to Chilly Billy's

This is a story I wrote for creative writing, its actually due tomorrow but you can see it today :) I have another one coming too that I already wrote, but you can see this one first because I like it better and its shorter.

Welcome to Chilly Billy’s

By: Kay Walker

            A bead of sweat dripped down his forehead mixing with a tear as it stained his cheek. “Answer the question” he said slowly. His foe standing on the other side of the room said nothing. He needed answers and the man had them. The police had been called but after seeing no progress he had taken things into his own hands. Now he stood at the final hour, with his foe, in his own house. It had been an intense staring battle for the past few minutes. Neither had blinked or moved an inch. With determination in his step he advanced across the room towards his foe. He was waiting for a sign, to see a hint in his face.  But both wore their poker faces well. Eyes still locked on his foe he reached out. Grabbing the closest thing to him he crouched into a striking pose. Then he saw it, a glimmer of fear in his foe’s façade. He had flinched unmasking the truth. He knew he had him now. With one swift motion he threw the object he had grasped in his hand. The glass punch bowl flew through the air and struck his foe square in the chest. Crumpling into a heap his foe let out a scream of pain. Glass shattered and crashed to the floor.

Dropping to his foe’s side he stared into his eyes, “I said, answer the question.” His foe, short of breath, lungs crushed by the blow of the bowl, handed over his cell phone and with a whimper pressed send. Sitting against the wall he listened to the phone ring, crossing his fingers, praying to every god he knew of. Holding onto that one last shred of hope he had. Then confusion filled his face as the earpiece was filled with a catchy little jingle. After the song he was welcomed to the answering machine of the Chilly Billy Ice-cream Shop, home of famous Billy the penguin.  Billy’s voice, running through the shop hours, came out of the phone breaking what was silence except for the slam of a screen door.

            As soon as he heard the word ice-cream he had dropped the phone, sprinting to the car. He hopped in and ignoring all rules of the road, sped towards Chilly Billy’s calling 911 on his way about the man in his house, the police could take care of him. Nothing could deter him from his mission. Without incident he arrived at the shop, only to find it locked. Looking around quickly for a blunt instrument he found none. So instead he backed up a few feet and then went crashing right through the glass door. Once again the sound of glass shattering pierced the silence. Shaking himself off as he ran he frantically checked all the doors, cabinets, and freezers. Nothing. Then he opened the door leading to the basement. Faintly he thought he could hear a TV, or a radio, something playing music.

He hurled himself down taking three steps at a time only to find another locked door at the end of the hallway. But he was certain now this was from where the music was coming. There was a cheerful song playing and then out of nowhere, a peal of laughter that was quickly silenced. This spurred him on. Looking around he spotted a key ring in the corner over a computer. Now the only problem would be finding the right one. He fumbled with the keys trying one after another. Tears were still streaming down his face, making it hard to see. The seconds dragged on feeling like hours, until finally, one fit. He shoved the final key in and turned.

            Closing his eyes he opened the door. Slowly opening them with dread in his heart he saw her. Sitting comfortably in a recliner, with tubs of ice cream around her and a spoon stuck in her mouth sat a young girl. The songs were coming from the TV where a Dragon Tales episode played. Looking up she smiled, no trace of concern on her face, only trails of ice cream dripping down her chin as she said, “Hi Daddy!” Then turning back to the TV she burst out in more laughter as one dragon hit another on the head. As tears of fear changed to tears of relief he scooped her up into his arms. Hugging her until she struggled to get down he cried, for the fear he had lived in for the past 12 hours had finally come to an end. She was safe and sound in his arms. Then sitting down on the recliner together she settled into his lap and snuggled up to him. He knew he would never take this for granted ever again. 

Untitled...

Sometimes I really just feel the need to write a blog post. And when I get here I dont know what to write about. I just know I need to write.

My mom and dad are sitting out on the rocks right now. Its cute. They are just sitting next to each other staring into the distance.

I have a text message waiting for a response, it keeps blinking at me. But you know...i really have no answer  for it. I have no real feeling to put into it and I dont want to force an answer, I dont want to reply with some fake interest or happiness. But if i dont reply the recipient will wonder why. they will over think it more then they probably do over think my answers. Funny how we get caught in these situations where to be kind, to be socially accepted, we have to be fake. Because yes, i will answer it. and they will be happy, and i will still feel nothing.

My coloring book is sitting next to me. It has a half colored bunny on the page. It will probably remain half finished for a while. Just like many things in life. I cant count on one hand how many things I have that are unfinished. For some thats a good thing, for some its expected, for some its never ending and i hate it. When you can finally complete something, Tie up loose ends,  And put it behind you, thats when it feels good. when you've put together another puzzle piece of your life.

well i have to go rescue my cousin...out of a situation he got himself into. so yeah...i guess thats the end. the end of the beginning. no its just the middle. its another never ending thing. this succession of blog posts. and its one i am okay with.

Its a Word Train

I like things that are soft, my hair is soft, you know what else is soft? bunnies. you know where they have bunnies? brooksvale. did you know you can adopt them? i think when i am married, after i have kids, i want to adopt. i think i need to get married first. to get married i need to have a boyfriend. to have a boyfriend i need to find a guy i like. you know what i do have that i like? peanut butter. in little to go cups. its convenient. you know what else is convenient? a convenience store. i like stores, i need to go shopping. its tax free week. we are going to go back to school shopping. oh back to school...its so soon. 2 weeks...a little less perhaps. a little less then 2 weeks will be tinas birthday. she will be 17. thats weird. im 19. i dont feel like it. i dont feel like cleaning my room. but if i dont my mom will get mad. my mom is a loud mad, my dad he is silent but deadly. you know the deadliest shark is a bull shark? i learned that on shark week. i dont like sharks much but they are pretty awesome. you know what else is awesome? pinatas. especially those made by your cousin for adults. it has wood inside it to make it stronger. we had to use an ax handle to break it. then the candy was all shattered haha. i like ax's. you can chop trees, or well wood. i find it fun. but it tires you out pretty fast. what else tires you out you ask? rambling on for an entire paragraph. haha. just kidding. i dont mind it. you knwo what i do mind? headphones in your ears. and ive had some in for at least an hour. i only spent 20 min of that hour actually listening to anything. now they are just sitting there. you know where i dont like to sit? at the doctors office. i have a doctors appt on thursday. for my asthma. its to test how much my meds are helping me. pain meds make you loopy. i had my wisdom teeth out last winter. apparently i had a full conversation with a few different people on fb, i didnt remember anything i said but they said it was enjoyable. you know what else is enjoyable? hot chocolate on a cold snowy day. but im not ready for snow yet. im enjoying my sun. you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. yes i love kids songs. they are so awesome. just liek babysitting. its my job. i should have done a major like child psychology. but qu doesnt have it. i learned about this writing thing in pshycology. oneto was the best teacher. he was funny and interesting and taught me all kinds of things. ive been taught though that people dont always want to read everything you are thinking about. so im thinking i will end this thought train now. choooo choooooo

Just Look...Up

Have you ever looked up, out of curiosity. Not because you heard something, or because someone pointed. But just because? Have you ever looked up and wondered not only what's beyond the great expanse of sky but about what's right in front of your eyes? 

I have, and I do. Not a day goes by in my life where I don't stop and just...look up. Whether it be the clouds, the birds, an airplane, or the moon, there is always something to admire. Something you can see as steadfast. The sky will always be there giving you something more to see everyday, no matter how life is going at the moment. 

So, when life has you down, or even if you happen to have a moment to yourself, just look…up.

Crash Diets

Am I allowed to ask why.
Am I allowed to think I'm wrong
That maybe just maybe I'm overreacting
That maybe its a slight oversight
You’re not avoiding or ignoring
merely just haven’t gotten to anything yet. 

You know how people go on crash diets
They never eat
Then eat everything when the diet ends
And gain back everything
Then the people who eat small steady meals
Are the ones who benefit.
I’m thinking of this in the same way.
You’ve put me on a crash diet
Its not helping. 

I know you will be leaving
I know you think thats hard
But do you think this isnt
I dont quit cold turkey
Its not how i work
Never has been
Never will be

Perspective

Perspective is a funny thing. It can change drastically. It can change rapidly. It can change things in ways you never imagined. It can be as simple as wearing only one contact (which Tina is quite the pro at doing) which changes your perspective in terms of depth perception. Or it can be as complicated as if you put yourself in someone else's shoes, looking through someone else’s eyes, and seeing a whole new world of possibilities. You can think, feel, and experience things you’ve never thought to explore before.

A few nights ago surrounded by the “neighborhood gang” I sat back. I was observing. I was viewing the group as an outsider. Simply because I wanted a different perspective. I wanted to see what we would look like to someone who wasn't part of our group. Its then I was able to group, categorize, and form views about each person. A group of guys sat to the side talking about various topics. Such as sports, guys at school, music, etc. Two girls sat on the other side texting their friends. They giggled, laughed, and held side conversations. In the middle sat a boy and a girl. They talked about their strengths and weaknesses. It went deeper than the boys on the side. Then in the middle was me and another guy. Even as I watched, I observed myself, and my “group”. We talked about books, college, writing, music. Then throughout the night I zoned in specifically on the individuals. I found those who were also watching, watching certain people, thinking themselves unnoticed. I found the one who wanted to involve everyone in a conversation. I found the one who floated between all groups, easing tensions, making people laugh. Fitting everywhere yet not really feeling at home. Its all very intriguing to me. And just taking the perspective of an outsider gave me the ability to really get to know my friends. It gave me a chance to see who they were when they weren't trying to be someone for everyone around them. Who they were while they thought no one else was watching.

Another perspective that has changed for me is my view on life, on how I spend my free time, on what “busy” is. Some (or all) of you may know that I haven't had internet for almost 2 weeks. At first it was disheartening. However would I survive without my many vices such as Email, Facebook, Flickr, Formspring, etc etc. The list can go on and on and on. But then slowly, as the days passed, I realized that after a quick 2 min check in at a Panera, or using a siblings computer, I was fine leaving it behind. Sure I miss the fb chat with my friends who i don't talk to in other ways of communication. I miss being inspired by pictures on Flickr. But its not unbearable. I read 5 books. I am beasting at Solitaire. I cleaned my room. I did things that needed to be done. I had been complaining about how busy I was when in fact I wasn't as busy as I could have been. Just the computer was taking over my life. I would log on when I woke up, keep it up whenever I was home, then be on it all night til i felt tired. these past 2 weeks I experienced the true meaning of busy. The first week I babysat EVERY day. It was intense. Sometimes with more than one job a day. Then every day this week I’ve been renovating my sister’s and soon to be brother in laws condo with my sister.  Its hard manual labor and I'm enjoying waking up and going to do something productive!

So although I am waiting for it to be returned. I think I'm a bit changed from this experience in perspective. I learned what my priorities are in life. I've learned with a clean dose of perspective that maybe a life lived on technology isn't the healthiest thing for you. So if you are reading this right now and you've been on the computer all day I urge you to go read a book, take a walk, find some friends and have face to face contact. Trust me. Its enjoyable and you don't want to get to the state where it becomes a foreign territory.

Perspective can be a funny thing sometimes. You never know what it will show you. Maybe it will just give you another viewpoint to see what's right under your nose.

Writings of A Melancholy Heart

Its a long story, but its how i get the emotions out. I have random writings everywhere. Maybe here is a good place to get them out. idk yet. But heres what i wrote tonight. When the emotions are too much, when they overflow I shut off my brain, and I just feel.

You Need Only Accept It

Im letting you go.

Im giving you space

Im giving you time

The best way to help is to wait

But im hoping when youre ready you will come back.

But for now id like you to hear  this:

Why don’t you tell me a joke?

Where did all the humor go?

Why do I feel like I need to cry?

I thought I was a friend

I thought you trusted me

I thought you accepted me

You’re too used to being alone.

You no longer let anyone in

So I stand on the outside

Begging for you to open the door

Asking that you invite me in

You need only accept me

Its all up to you now

I cant force you to do what you wont

I cant make you feel something you dont

But I know there is trust between us

I know I can help you

You need only accept it

Im here offering myself to you

My help

My heart

My love

My trust

You need only accept it.

I wont desert you

I wont let you down

I promise it on my life

Theres nothing to be scared of

I open my arms for you

You need only accept them.

Roman Fever Rewrite

11th grade I had this assignment. Read the short story "Roman Fever" by...i forget who, i will look it up later...And rewrite it from a modern perspective with males as the main characters. That was the extent of the instructions. Pretty much after that was up to us and our imaginations. So i took the basic ideas of 'Roman Fever" and came up with my own story. I was going through old documents and came across it. Thought you might like it.

[apologizing again for lack of posts, i have been busy and tired, you can still check out flickr though]

In matching plaid pants with dark green and khaki colored sweaters stood two middle-aged men. One steps forward and grabs a shiny club from a case of many. He walks towards a ball on the ground and lines up his club, the ball, and the hole. With a graceful swing he hits the ball, launching it into the air with a perfect arc. It lands and rolls into the hole with a plunk.

“Nice one old man. Remember what you used to be like back in the day. You couldn’t play for your life.” Remarked Chester with a chuckle.

“Hey, you weren’t much better Chester. At least I had all the girls watching me; they couldn’t see you as you chased your ball fifty feet off course.”  Harold countered.

After finishing their game the two men moved over to a bench under a nearby tree. The shade from the tree covered the bench and a slight breeze was blowing through the leaves. The taller thin man leans back and settles himself into his seat. Sitting on the bench the two men contemplated the scene before them, young and old alike, men throughout the course played the greatest pastime of all time, golf.

            “Remember when we were 18 and playing on this golf course with the big players for the first time Chester? I feel like it was just yesterday.”

            “It’s been a few good years since then huh, we’ve been through quite a bit together.” Chester replied.

            As Chester looked at everyone playing happily he began to remember those good times, and then what else they had been through. It had been almost 12 years since Harold’s wife had passed away and about 14 since his had. They had all met at a golf championship when they were 20 and had connected right away.

            “Hey Harold…remember when we first met?” Chester inquired.

            “Yeah, how could I forget it? It was the first time I met Katherine. I knew right away she was the one for me, and you met Julie. It was fate that we all ended up at the same place on that beautiful day. You don’t get many days like that anymore. I will always remember it.” Harold responded.

            “Yeah, the youth these days take everything for granted; they don’t appreciate what they have at the moment. It could be gone at any time.” Upon saying this Chester relapsed into silence.

Harold looked at him and realized what was going through his mind. He began to think of his wife Julie. She was a charm; you couldn’t find anyone else like her. She was a handsome woman with a great sense of fashion. Wherever they went people would watch her as she walked by them with grace and elegance. Katherine, Chester’s wife, was also fascinating. She could have the shyest people talking and laughing with her like they had known each other for their entire lives. She was always the life of the party. It was really a tragedy when they both lost them to sickness. Looking at Chester, Harold began to really see him for what he was without his wife. He was quiet and shy. He never partied anymore and rarely talked to his old buddies. Harold believed himself to be one of the only ones he did talk to still and that’s just because they shared a love of golf.

“Hey Chester, are you just keepin’ me around because I play golf?” Harold questioned.

“Why would you say that? Of course not, you’re my old buddy. I like to hang out with you; ya know spend some quality man-time together.”  Chester said to Harold.

“I was just thinking about our wives and about how ever since Katherine died you haven’t been the same. I’m like the only one you talk to and you never go out anymore.” Harold remarked.

“I’m out right now aren’t I?” Chester responded

“But it isn’t the same, because we always go out on Sunday afternoon to play golf, we have for as long as I can remember.”

“Are you trying to say I don’t like coming out with you Harold? I mean I could go home right now if that’s what you want!”

“No, no, no I just meant that…oh forget it Chester, we’re like old geezers fighting over a chess game. I’m sorry. I understand what you went through and I’m sure you’re still saddened by the thought of your wife, just like I am.” Harold said with an apologetic glance in Chester’s direction.

“It’s okay old sport, and who said I was sad, my wife told me before she died that she didn’t want me to stop living just because she did.”

“But…you’re not following her directions, so how are you not sad?”

“ Hey, you’re the one who said I never go out anymore, and I am following her directions,” He said as he glanced down at his watch, “as a matter of fact I have to get going now.”

“Where are you going?” Harold demanded.

“To go see my lady friend of course.” Chester said with a grin as he sauntered away, across the green golf course.

Harold sat back on the bench with a bewildered expression upon his face as he realized that, in actuality, he didn’t know his old friend as well as he thought he did.

If I Were A Duck

If I were a duck,
I would soar through the sky,
I would splash in the puddles,
I would quack at the humans,
I would feel at home in the rain. 

If I were a duck,
I would eat all the bread crumbs,
I would preen my feathers smooth,
I would cuddle in my nest,
I would feel at home in the rain. 

If I were a duck,
I’d have no care of money,
Nor of time.
I’d have no care of clothing,
nor of personal hygiene.
I’d be carefree,
I’d be happy.
I would feel at home in the rain

I wrote this because of all the rain we’ve been having. I wrote it while in physics class actually. As we talked about intercepting wave patterns. Yep…good lecture :) haha. I needed a new blog post and this makes me laugh so enjoy your day :D

365 Challenge

 

I’ve been absent. I know. I apologize. Its been busy. Very busy. I’ve got school. Coming up on midterms. I’ve got babysitting. Gotta save that money for Norway this summer. I’ve got wedding planning. Only a few months til June. I’ve got funerals. Two in two weeks. (oh and my fish just died but we didnt have a funeral for him). I have also been doing this thing called The Flickr 365 Challenge though. The point of this challenge is to grow as a photographer. You take a picture a day. Not just going out and taking a picture of whatever you happen upon but kind of planning it. So I should put more thought into this. If I can take a picture a day that is usually thought out, then write a description I should be able to write a few paragraphs for you guys. But if you are feeling Kay-withdrawal because I'm not keeping up with this and you want to see something from me then you can always head over to my Flickr page. www.flickr.com/photos/kaywalker I'm only on day 17 so feel free to catch up :)

So guess what I love. Sun, spring, wind. Today was one of those sunny windy, reminds you of what spring is days. I took Tina out and we made our rounds at Brooksvale. The wind was a bit chilly at times but 659 pictures later we were more then satisfied. We headed out to a wake then to Chili’s for dinner. Now I have to sit through all these pictures, see what’s good, what’s not. I think we may have a few stop motions in the works. Which, if i do, will be on Flickr or Facebook. If you have a care to see I could always inform you of those as well. I know this isnt an amazing blog entry or anything. But this is my way of bridging that gap between the last one and what will soon become, hopefully, a more steady stream of entries. Off to the pictures I go. Have a wonderful evening.

Oh and that guy who reminded me of my lackluster blogging that you should all be thanking and reading: Jacob the Awesomest Kid Ever

~Kay

Feels Good

So I am back on the QU campus and I must say it feels good. I had the perfect amount of break. I was just starting to hit that boredom feeling this weekend and I am ready to get back into the routine of school. This may shock some of you but i am looking forward to having homework to do. It makes me feel like I am actually doing something productive. And I like getting my brain to think.
Today is Tuesday which mean I have only 1 class. Physics. At 2pm. Til 3:15. Then maybe I will see some friends. Then I tutor Then delivering supper to a couple who just adopted 4 kids. Then perhaps some babysitting. Back to my busy days! :) And i am not sad about it, I am quite happy my days will be filed again. I've still got weekends. And apparently time enough to write in this blog haha. But once the homework, and tests, and projects start up I may not have as much, which is why you've gotten 3 recent entries. Because I dont know the rate they will be coming til about May.
Im like 2 hours early. Didnt really have to come til 2 for my class but i wanted to scope out parking so i came earlier. I see i may have some problems on Thursdays. I am supposed to babysit til 11, which means i would be getting here at 11:20ish depending on traffic. then i have a class at noon...sooooo seeing as how 11 is the hardest time to park...its gonna be interesting. But so far this year I have had great parking luck. Even today, with a completely full lot as the sign said, i had the luck of getting the 2nd spot in the second row. which is pretty impressive i must say :)
Well ima go browse me some Flickr now. New pictures of Tina are up. Im trying to take pictures every day to get into the habit of workin of my photog skills.

*Peace*Love*Photography* (courtesy of facebook flair)

Kay

What Now...?

I don't know what to do with this blog. I love my pictures, I love to ramble, but I also like to keep people up on my life. Idk what to do though. I read a blog such as Jacobs and he always has something witty to say, even my mom mulls over deep thoughts sometimes, or brings to light a concern. I feel like mine is more a journal entry of what I did in the day, or at least recently since I don’t write every day. I read Jacobs and wish I could write like him but that's his style, not mine. I know everyone has a different style, I just don’t know if i have found or accepted mine yet. So bear with me while I work through this.

Well the other day my sister and I were pretty bored after having skated on a pond for over an hour. So we called up some neighbors trying to find an adventure. And find an adventure we did! We went out to Lake Wintergreen to take pictures. Before we knew it we were actually traveling all the way across the lake. Walking across the ice was awesome and I got some beautiful shots. I was very pleased with how our adventure turned out. Here are a few shots from the day:

I wish I had more inspiration for photos, I mean I have ideas I just have troubles posing people. So Kyle is great and poses himself but other times I am kind of at a loss what to do. So the first new projects I will be doing is those with inanimate objects :)

Tomorrow is a day off school. Who knows what kind of adventure we may happen upon. I cant wait to see. And sorry for those of you who have a Facebook and hear repeats of stuff when I write it on here.

On another note I would just like everyone to know how proud I am of myself. Remember when I said I procrastinate about laundry? Well in the past 2 days I completely cleaned and organized my room, caught up on a good amount of laundry and actually hung and folded everything! I was so happy and my aim is to live 2010 a more organized person. I’ll keep you updated how far I get on that one…

Fact of the Kay for the Day: I love music boxes. Its a newly discovered love. I guess I always have been attracted to them but I was just listening to one the other day and with all its simplicity I could listen all day. :)

“What's the best day to tell someone horrible news?…Yesterday”

~KAY~

Hiatus

So I took a brief hiatus as you can see. It was crazy holiday time which meant insane babysitting and seeing friends and family and snowy days spent outside, etc etc. I just got a comment though on my blog which reminded me its been a while and i owe it to my few readers to keep up to date. So in the first line of business: I went to Poughkeepsie, New York this past week and it was so much fun! Great photo opp too. I took lots of pictures. They are on my fb or a few are on my flickr: www.flickr.com/photos/kaywalker. So check it out if you feel so inclined.

I am supposed to be heading to bed now…i have to be up early to go babysit. its an all dayer…does that work? you can say all nighter but how do you say it if i am doing it all day and “all day” is too boring or not in the right tense? Idk…oh well, i like to make up my own words, its good for the brain! haha. I am in a rambling mood, which is great, since I am writing a blog of course. Oh guess what, that other story I said i would upload…well i cant, cause i cant find it. I will try to remember most of it to share it with you guys, its shorter then the previous one though. Which will probably make some of you happy to hear.

I went ice skating yesterday. I wish I were better. Its the one place i cant stand kids, well maybe the one other cause i think i mentioned in my other post about a place I don't. anyways. they zoom in front of you and when you’re not an amazing skater that can be prettttty dangerous…for me, not them. My sister got yelled at for texting while on the ice haha. Just like driving, keep your eyes on the ice people!!

I wrote a poem for my friend today, its this cool thing we have going, where we write poems back and forth. Paste em on fb. I do it with a story too with my sis and Liz. Its fun, but 3 people is harder to keep track of then 2. Ok enough of the rambling, I need sleep.

As far as my parting remarks go I just want to say:

1. Thanks for continuing to read although these posts lack some inspiration sometimes.

2. I wish you the best for this new year, I hope we can all make it out alive! I sure do plan on it! Where there is a will there is a way! (wow lots of exclamations! haha)

3. Eat your meat! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat you meat??!! (Pink Floyd quote incase you didn't know)

4. A poem, for you:

Farewell for now,
Sending my love,
I take a final bow,
And fly away like a dove.

~Kay~