Its a Word Train

I like things that are soft, my hair is soft, you know what else is soft? bunnies. you know where they have bunnies? brooksvale. did you know you can adopt them? i think when i am married, after i have kids, i want to adopt. i think i need to get married first. to get married i need to have a boyfriend. to have a boyfriend i need to find a guy i like. you know what i do have that i like? peanut butter. in little to go cups. its convenient. you know what else is convenient? a convenience store. i like stores, i need to go shopping. its tax free week. we are going to go back to school shopping. oh back to school...its so soon. 2 weeks...a little less perhaps. a little less then 2 weeks will be tinas birthday. she will be 17. thats weird. im 19. i dont feel like it. i dont feel like cleaning my room. but if i dont my mom will get mad. my mom is a loud mad, my dad he is silent but deadly. you know the deadliest shark is a bull shark? i learned that on shark week. i dont like sharks much but they are pretty awesome. you know what else is awesome? pinatas. especially those made by your cousin for adults. it has wood inside it to make it stronger. we had to use an ax handle to break it. then the candy was all shattered haha. i like ax's. you can chop trees, or well wood. i find it fun. but it tires you out pretty fast. what else tires you out you ask? rambling on for an entire paragraph. haha. just kidding. i dont mind it. you knwo what i do mind? headphones in your ears. and ive had some in for at least an hour. i only spent 20 min of that hour actually listening to anything. now they are just sitting there. you know where i dont like to sit? at the doctors office. i have a doctors appt on thursday. for my asthma. its to test how much my meds are helping me. pain meds make you loopy. i had my wisdom teeth out last winter. apparently i had a full conversation with a few different people on fb, i didnt remember anything i said but they said it was enjoyable. you know what else is enjoyable? hot chocolate on a cold snowy day. but im not ready for snow yet. im enjoying my sun. you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. yes i love kids songs. they are so awesome. just liek babysitting. its my job. i should have done a major like child psychology. but qu doesnt have it. i learned about this writing thing in pshycology. oneto was the best teacher. he was funny and interesting and taught me all kinds of things. ive been taught though that people dont always want to read everything you are thinking about. so im thinking i will end this thought train now. choooo choooooo

Just Look...Up

Have you ever looked up, out of curiosity. Not because you heard something, or because someone pointed. But just because? Have you ever looked up and wondered not only what's beyond the great expanse of sky but about what's right in front of your eyes? 

I have, and I do. Not a day goes by in my life where I don't stop and just...look up. Whether it be the clouds, the birds, an airplane, or the moon, there is always something to admire. Something you can see as steadfast. The sky will always be there giving you something more to see everyday, no matter how life is going at the moment. 

So, when life has you down, or even if you happen to have a moment to yourself, just look…up.

Crash Diets

Am I allowed to ask why.
Am I allowed to think I'm wrong
That maybe just maybe I'm overreacting
That maybe its a slight oversight
You’re not avoiding or ignoring
merely just haven’t gotten to anything yet. 

You know how people go on crash diets
They never eat
Then eat everything when the diet ends
And gain back everything
Then the people who eat small steady meals
Are the ones who benefit.
I’m thinking of this in the same way.
You’ve put me on a crash diet
Its not helping. 

I know you will be leaving
I know you think thats hard
But do you think this isnt
I dont quit cold turkey
Its not how i work
Never has been
Never will be

Perspective

Perspective is a funny thing. It can change drastically. It can change rapidly. It can change things in ways you never imagined. It can be as simple as wearing only one contact (which Tina is quite the pro at doing) which changes your perspective in terms of depth perception. Or it can be as complicated as if you put yourself in someone else's shoes, looking through someone else’s eyes, and seeing a whole new world of possibilities. You can think, feel, and experience things you’ve never thought to explore before.

A few nights ago surrounded by the “neighborhood gang” I sat back. I was observing. I was viewing the group as an outsider. Simply because I wanted a different perspective. I wanted to see what we would look like to someone who wasn't part of our group. Its then I was able to group, categorize, and form views about each person. A group of guys sat to the side talking about various topics. Such as sports, guys at school, music, etc. Two girls sat on the other side texting their friends. They giggled, laughed, and held side conversations. In the middle sat a boy and a girl. They talked about their strengths and weaknesses. It went deeper than the boys on the side. Then in the middle was me and another guy. Even as I watched, I observed myself, and my “group”. We talked about books, college, writing, music. Then throughout the night I zoned in specifically on the individuals. I found those who were also watching, watching certain people, thinking themselves unnoticed. I found the one who wanted to involve everyone in a conversation. I found the one who floated between all groups, easing tensions, making people laugh. Fitting everywhere yet not really feeling at home. Its all very intriguing to me. And just taking the perspective of an outsider gave me the ability to really get to know my friends. It gave me a chance to see who they were when they weren't trying to be someone for everyone around them. Who they were while they thought no one else was watching.

Another perspective that has changed for me is my view on life, on how I spend my free time, on what “busy” is. Some (or all) of you may know that I haven't had internet for almost 2 weeks. At first it was disheartening. However would I survive without my many vices such as Email, Facebook, Flickr, Formspring, etc etc. The list can go on and on and on. But then slowly, as the days passed, I realized that after a quick 2 min check in at a Panera, or using a siblings computer, I was fine leaving it behind. Sure I miss the fb chat with my friends who i don't talk to in other ways of communication. I miss being inspired by pictures on Flickr. But its not unbearable. I read 5 books. I am beasting at Solitaire. I cleaned my room. I did things that needed to be done. I had been complaining about how busy I was when in fact I wasn't as busy as I could have been. Just the computer was taking over my life. I would log on when I woke up, keep it up whenever I was home, then be on it all night til i felt tired. these past 2 weeks I experienced the true meaning of busy. The first week I babysat EVERY day. It was intense. Sometimes with more than one job a day. Then every day this week I’ve been renovating my sister’s and soon to be brother in laws condo with my sister.  Its hard manual labor and I'm enjoying waking up and going to do something productive!

So although I am waiting for it to be returned. I think I'm a bit changed from this experience in perspective. I learned what my priorities are in life. I've learned with a clean dose of perspective that maybe a life lived on technology isn't the healthiest thing for you. So if you are reading this right now and you've been on the computer all day I urge you to go read a book, take a walk, find some friends and have face to face contact. Trust me. Its enjoyable and you don't want to get to the state where it becomes a foreign territory.

Perspective can be a funny thing sometimes. You never know what it will show you. Maybe it will just give you another viewpoint to see what's right under your nose.

Writings of A Melancholy Heart

Its a long story, but its how i get the emotions out. I have random writings everywhere. Maybe here is a good place to get them out. idk yet. But heres what i wrote tonight. When the emotions are too much, when they overflow I shut off my brain, and I just feel.

You Need Only Accept It

Im letting you go.

Im giving you space

Im giving you time

The best way to help is to wait

But im hoping when youre ready you will come back.

But for now id like you to hear  this:

Why don’t you tell me a joke?

Where did all the humor go?

Why do I feel like I need to cry?

I thought I was a friend

I thought you trusted me

I thought you accepted me

You’re too used to being alone.

You no longer let anyone in

So I stand on the outside

Begging for you to open the door

Asking that you invite me in

You need only accept me

Its all up to you now

I cant force you to do what you wont

I cant make you feel something you dont

But I know there is trust between us

I know I can help you

You need only accept it

Im here offering myself to you

My help

My heart

My love

My trust

You need only accept it.

I wont desert you

I wont let you down

I promise it on my life

Theres nothing to be scared of

I open my arms for you

You need only accept them.

Roman Fever Rewrite

11th grade I had this assignment. Read the short story "Roman Fever" by...i forget who, i will look it up later...And rewrite it from a modern perspective with males as the main characters. That was the extent of the instructions. Pretty much after that was up to us and our imaginations. So i took the basic ideas of 'Roman Fever" and came up with my own story. I was going through old documents and came across it. Thought you might like it.

[apologizing again for lack of posts, i have been busy and tired, you can still check out flickr though]

In matching plaid pants with dark green and khaki colored sweaters stood two middle-aged men. One steps forward and grabs a shiny club from a case of many. He walks towards a ball on the ground and lines up his club, the ball, and the hole. With a graceful swing he hits the ball, launching it into the air with a perfect arc. It lands and rolls into the hole with a plunk.

“Nice one old man. Remember what you used to be like back in the day. You couldn’t play for your life.” Remarked Chester with a chuckle.

“Hey, you weren’t much better Chester. At least I had all the girls watching me; they couldn’t see you as you chased your ball fifty feet off course.”  Harold countered.

After finishing their game the two men moved over to a bench under a nearby tree. The shade from the tree covered the bench and a slight breeze was blowing through the leaves. The taller thin man leans back and settles himself into his seat. Sitting on the bench the two men contemplated the scene before them, young and old alike, men throughout the course played the greatest pastime of all time, golf.

            “Remember when we were 18 and playing on this golf course with the big players for the first time Chester? I feel like it was just yesterday.”

            “It’s been a few good years since then huh, we’ve been through quite a bit together.” Chester replied.

            As Chester looked at everyone playing happily he began to remember those good times, and then what else they had been through. It had been almost 12 years since Harold’s wife had passed away and about 14 since his had. They had all met at a golf championship when they were 20 and had connected right away.

            “Hey Harold…remember when we first met?” Chester inquired.

            “Yeah, how could I forget it? It was the first time I met Katherine. I knew right away she was the one for me, and you met Julie. It was fate that we all ended up at the same place on that beautiful day. You don’t get many days like that anymore. I will always remember it.” Harold responded.

            “Yeah, the youth these days take everything for granted; they don’t appreciate what they have at the moment. It could be gone at any time.” Upon saying this Chester relapsed into silence.

Harold looked at him and realized what was going through his mind. He began to think of his wife Julie. She was a charm; you couldn’t find anyone else like her. She was a handsome woman with a great sense of fashion. Wherever they went people would watch her as she walked by them with grace and elegance. Katherine, Chester’s wife, was also fascinating. She could have the shyest people talking and laughing with her like they had known each other for their entire lives. She was always the life of the party. It was really a tragedy when they both lost them to sickness. Looking at Chester, Harold began to really see him for what he was without his wife. He was quiet and shy. He never partied anymore and rarely talked to his old buddies. Harold believed himself to be one of the only ones he did talk to still and that’s just because they shared a love of golf.

“Hey Chester, are you just keepin’ me around because I play golf?” Harold questioned.

“Why would you say that? Of course not, you’re my old buddy. I like to hang out with you; ya know spend some quality man-time together.”  Chester said to Harold.

“I was just thinking about our wives and about how ever since Katherine died you haven’t been the same. I’m like the only one you talk to and you never go out anymore.” Harold remarked.

“I’m out right now aren’t I?” Chester responded

“But it isn’t the same, because we always go out on Sunday afternoon to play golf, we have for as long as I can remember.”

“Are you trying to say I don’t like coming out with you Harold? I mean I could go home right now if that’s what you want!”

“No, no, no I just meant that…oh forget it Chester, we’re like old geezers fighting over a chess game. I’m sorry. I understand what you went through and I’m sure you’re still saddened by the thought of your wife, just like I am.” Harold said with an apologetic glance in Chester’s direction.

“It’s okay old sport, and who said I was sad, my wife told me before she died that she didn’t want me to stop living just because she did.”

“But…you’re not following her directions, so how are you not sad?”

“ Hey, you’re the one who said I never go out anymore, and I am following her directions,” He said as he glanced down at his watch, “as a matter of fact I have to get going now.”

“Where are you going?” Harold demanded.

“To go see my lady friend of course.” Chester said with a grin as he sauntered away, across the green golf course.

Harold sat back on the bench with a bewildered expression upon his face as he realized that, in actuality, he didn’t know his old friend as well as he thought he did.

If I Were A Duck

If I were a duck,
I would soar through the sky,
I would splash in the puddles,
I would quack at the humans,
I would feel at home in the rain. 

If I were a duck,
I would eat all the bread crumbs,
I would preen my feathers smooth,
I would cuddle in my nest,
I would feel at home in the rain. 

If I were a duck,
I’d have no care of money,
Nor of time.
I’d have no care of clothing,
nor of personal hygiene.
I’d be carefree,
I’d be happy.
I would feel at home in the rain

I wrote this because of all the rain we’ve been having. I wrote it while in physics class actually. As we talked about intercepting wave patterns. Yep…good lecture :) haha. I needed a new blog post and this makes me laugh so enjoy your day :D